The Need To Share

The Need to Share, an Essay ©2010 Louise Dunn Herman

Once in a while in a conversation, you perceive that someone feels uneasy, perhaps threatened by what you are saying, responding with hesitation. This unfortunately might morph to ridicule or criticism, questioning your opinion, or the validity of your experience. Upon recognize this in the person you are interacting with, you could just exit after the hesitation, but before the negative questioning (ex.: "how can you read that stuff?"), or the opposition begins ("why are you wasting your time on that?").

Remarks of this type are often evidence that the person you are talking to is disturbed by what you are saying, or how you are feeling. They may be unfamiliar with the subject and/or not at all interested in engaging in a conversation about it. Or they might feel they ‘should’ know more about it. You are enthusiastic and in addition have your arms around this topic. They are uneasy at your obvious delight in something they do not trust.

Time to hang up the phone, leave gracefully, end the conversation - a satisfying solution compared with trying to convince the other person of the worth of what you are saying or doing. Trying to persuade another to read or do or buy what YOU found to be meaningful, is as if you were to say that your favorite color should also be theres'. It only leads to frustration and feelings of inadequacy on your part, as they continually rebuff your misguided efforts.

Interestingly, they feel no remorse or guilt at their rebuttal of your topic, having convinced themselves that their path in life has fences on each side. Your remarks are a weather event threatening these fences, and you have to be ‘put in your place’ in order for them to continue on their chosen path. Staying on that road means security; everything is familiar. They have learned to deal with rocky parts by breaking them into little pieces, stomping on them, kicking them out, and then going on their way. Looking back is dangerous, revisiting past episodes is to be avoided. Visits often lead to questioning the way those episodes were handled, and that questioning is unsettling.

Why try to share your opinions, enthusiasm, or experiences with such people? You may think you are being generous to recap something that you find wonderful. Conversely, does the other person you are interacting with share their own special finds and passions? Usually not. You often find out accidentally after the fact that they have done or experienced something special. They may not even have thought they needed to share it with anyone.

People who appreciate what you have to say and who share your enthusiasm for an event are not threatened by your obvious delight in an experience. They know what it’s like, as the same desire for sharing often happens to them. They too, enjoy a conversation about what has transpired or been felt, not necessarily to evoke change, but to bestow upon another a little of their own flavor. When not in the presence of such kindred spirits, when your gift is about to be rejected, it's better to change your direction, and continue along to grow in an ever widening world of your own making.